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“I’m labelled as gay”

I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I’m okay with it but I haven’t told anyone, and I don’t want to for a long time yet.

The problem is, it’s hard for me to stay in the closet because I look kind of gay. I’m not camp, and I try hard not to dress or act camp, but my mannerisms and my build aren’t very masculine. As a result, some people have been labelling me as gay for ages. There’s no direct bullying but the comments are hard to take.

Going to a counsellor won’t make any difference because I can’t stop being me, so maybe all I can do is try to ignore the negative stuff. What’s your advice?

John

I know this is a very serious issue for you. It’s possible that your perception of how other people view you is really a reflection of what you believe to be true.

For example, I’m guessing that at some point you’ll have heard someone deny that they’re angry when they’ve clearly looked and acted like an angry person. Other people’s views of them will simply have reflected the ‘angry’ message they’ve given out.

Ignoring the negative stuff – ie. the comments - is one way for you to cope. But to understand how your actions give people the perception that you’re gay, it would be helpful to work with a counsellor.

“I’m not allowed see my friend”

My life is in ruins because my parents won’t let me see my best friend. They’ve decided that she’s a bad influence just because they don’t like her family. She goes to my school, so I can still talk to her there but I’m not allowed to have her over at mine and I can’t go to hers. It’s so unfair and wrong. What can I do?

Monica

There’s a major problem if you truly believe your life is in ruins because you’re not allowed to see your best friend out of school. It suggests a dependency on her that’s not healthy for you.

Most caring parents would separate their children if they thought one was becoming dependent on the other. There’s a difference between someone being a ‘bad influence’ and someone having ‘too strong an influence.’

Parents don’t set out to be unfair although they can be wrong. If your mum and dad have logical reasons for their actions, they’ll explain what they mean by a ‘bad influence’ and you’ll then be in a position to challenge their reasons if you disagree.

“My dad’s lost his job”

My father lost his job six months ago and things are getting bad. We don’t have much money and we won’t be going to Spain on holiday this year. My dad’s at home most of the time too and is becoming a real pain in the neck.

I don’t like how things have changed and I really wish he’d get another job soon. I’m worried that we might have to sell the house and that I won’t be able to go to college. My mother says everything is fine, but I don’t believe her. How can I help make things better?
Grace

It’s understandable that you don’t like how things have changed but if you really want to make things better at home you have to change your outlook. Your letter focuses on how bad you feel about the shortage of money, being deprived of the Spanish holiday and of college too.

Hundreds of teenagers work part-time to pay for their own education. What’s to stop you from earning money? Finding work is tough but it might give you an insight into what it’s like for your dad - and why he’s becoming a pain in the neck.

By easing your parents’ financial burden you’ll feel better and you might even begin to share your mother’s positive outlook.

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